I've been feeling rather depressed lately. I can't seem to beat it, so I'm going to bleed it out on paper.
A Bunch of Stuff That Really Annoys Me:
Standing Ovations. Somewhere along the way, the standing ovation got hijacked. The standing ovation should be reserved for performances so transcendent that they either leave you weeping in your seat or compel you to leap to your feet to shout and clap with wild abandon. My guess is that even if I had season tickets to The Met, I might only see three such performances in a lifetime. On too many occasions I have stubbornly refused to budge from my seat while all around me, entire audiences including my embarrassed wife rose in unison to salute performances that were mediocre at best. Yes, your kid was cute in the Christmas pageant, but he deserves a hug not a standing O. Please join me in the seats, let's make the standing ovation mean something again.
Bicycle Helmets. My wife and I used to make fun of people who wore bicycle helmets. Then we had kids and she bought them bicycle helmets. (Cue longstanding marital disagreement.) My friends and I never wore bike helmets growing up, whether we were standing on the seat with one leg, riding backwards, or bombing down steep hills and we never wore helmets. There is no better way to say, "I am a risk averse American wuss" than to put on a bicycle helmet.
Nuance. This word is used all the time in the media, usually to explain how brilliant a certain politician is, how he understands things at a deeper level than either his colleagues or you. The dictionary defines nuance as "a subtle distinction or variation". So when the media says something along the lines of, "Senator Wormwood brings a more nuanced approach to universal health care than his predecessor", they are implying that Senator Wormwood is so brilliant, so heavy that he can distinguish between a thousand shades of grey. I'm not buying it, whenever I hear the word nuance used in this way, I automatically translate it into its actual meaning, "unnecessarily complicated."
The guy in shorts and flip flops who passes you doing a wheelie on his motorcycle at 90 miles an hour. Always prompts me to shake my fist and scream, "if you crash - I'm not stopping to peel you up off the pavement!" This entry may seem strange considering my dislike of bike helmets. Nuance, my friends. Bicycle helmets and the flip flop wearing wheelie poppers reside at opposite ends of the safety spectrum. One is too safe, the other is too dangerous and in between lies that forgotten trait, common sense.
Guys who wear "Second Place is the First Loser" t-shirts. I would like to assemble a couple thousand of these guy in a convention center and force them to play musical chairs until there was only one winner. Everyone else would then be told they were losers and their shirts would be confiscated.
7 comments:
Well, in solidarity with all of your annoyances, I will...
1) remain seated (although I'm standing on the inside at this post!)
2) Continue to refuse to wear a bike helmet. I have never owned one. In fact, the next time I see a child with one on, I will steal it off his tender skull!
3) Never use the word "nuance" unless, that is it is the only word that truly describes the minor distinction that was made, and then only if it was a minor distinction that is not truly a clear variance of the original.
4) I'm always a winner so I can't relate to the last item. And showing off on a motorcycle is for losers, and since I'm not one, again, I can't relate.
Thanks for the list.
You should come back and add items as they occur to you.
O, in the spirit of full-disclosure, my friend shows off on crotch-rockets and he took me for a ride once and told me to hold on. I grabbed him like a school girl as we flew down this one stretch of highway at about 100 mph. I was more scared than anything. But I'm glad I did it. Exhilarating is a strange word and I can't tell you if that's what I felt. But I did have a helmet on and I was very glad for that is all I kept thinking. {sorry}
Right arm. Out o' state. You hit the heel right on the toe, broe. As I was reading your comments, I was, in my imagination, sitting there, rubbing your head, and saying, "That's my little man." Your wife should be very afraid that you are becoming your "crazy uncle."
John suggested you add to the list from time to time. I'm confident each of us could do so ad infinitum. I have never seen that message on a t-shirt, so, please allow me to submit one using the basic winner-loser theme.
"Giving 110% Effort"
[I would be willing to bet that David Robinson, or any other athlete with a brain, never proclaimed that verbage.] But it begs the question, "If two adversaries enter a contest, each giving a 110% effort, does each have a 55%-55% chance of being the victor?
i like your vivacity. Stick with your convictions, dear. Gran
Are you sure you didn't star as 'Stinky Pete' on Toy Story?
I'd describe 1, 3, and 5 as well-stated substantive philosophical critiques that I really like, especially the standing O. With the admission that I've never worn a bicycle helmet, though am open to it in some circumstances, I'd put the anti-bike helmet statement in the macho category that probably shouldn't hold much weight in making real life decisions. I agree on the unprotected crotch rocket show-offs, though I wonder why you and I get upset when we see that. Just my thoughts.
i'm afraid i'm going to have to disagree with the bike helmet one, cousin. i was a assistant guide on a mtn. bike trip like 4 years ago and a kid flipped over his handlebars and hit his head. he would have been dead if he hadn't been wearing his helmet the doctors told us. but i mean at least one person has some soppy story for every safety precaution i suppose.
a word that gets misused a lot, in addition to nuance, is peruse. it often gets used meaning its opposite. people worldwide - look it up!
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