The Time That...

The following is a true story that occurred sometime in the spring of 2007.

I was walking out the front door, headed for work just before 5 a.m. when I noticed a car idling in front of a house down the street. An older couple lived in this house, so I was curious as to why a car would be idling that early in front of their house, it wouldn't be someone carpooling to work with my neighbor and probably not someone coming to pick him up for an early morning fishing trip; was foul play at work? I was already in a heightened state of alert (threat level yellow) as a friend had recently warded off a burglary attempt on his home, so I crouched down, hidden between the two vehicles in my driveway and began watching and waiting for some clue as to what was going on. After a minute, the car abruptly roared to life, flipped a u-turn and raced up our half mile street and disappeared. Relieved, I backed my truck out of the drive and was getting ready to take off myself when a pair of headlights appeared at the top of the street. It was the same car! He returned to his previous position in front of my neighbor's house and resumed idling. Something just did not feel right about the situation and I didn't want to take off and leave my innocent family slumbering peacefully and vulnerable with this shady character on the street so I put my truck in park and killed my headlights, I wasn't going anywhere until this clown either revealed his intentions or left. After a long and uncomfortable couple of minutes he again suddenly roared to life, flipped a u-ey and disappeared up the street. I sat in front of my house for a few more minutes just to be sure that he was gone for good, said a prayer blessing my home and family and took off for work. Well no sooner than I got to the top of my street and here he comes again. "Oh how clever", I thought, "wait around the corner till I leave and then come back and sack my house...not on my watch you bastard!" So I whipped the old Chevy around and raced down the street in hot pursuit (by now he was moving pretty fast down the street). He took a couple of quick turns and I lost him down some side streets so I drove slowly down a few streets hoping I would cross paths with him again and then there he was. I was determined not to lose him again so I pulled up a foot or two behind him, if he had any doubts as to my intentions, there were none now. I was fully committed to, well to what I wasn't sure, for now harassing him until he got nervous and bolted I guess. My heart began pounding as I wondered how far should I follow him this closely? One mile? Five? And just how long would he put up with this before there was a confrontation? Should I stop and get out if he pulls over or should I just keep going and consider it mission accomplished? Wait, he knows where I live. He turned onto one of the main streets outside our neighborhood and I followed him quickly, again closing the cap between our two vehicles to two feet or less. He began slowing down dramatically and then put his hazard lights on. "Oh no that trick won't work on me you idiot. I am all over you!" I screamed as I noticed him throw something out the window. And then there it was again, he was throwing stuff out the window. It happened a third time and as I watched the white cylinder sail through the air I realized that I was harassing the paper boy.

Now, in my defense, he was acting highly suspicious, and was clearly looking to evade me once I initially whipped around to follow him (though in retrospect who could blame him). This little episode does illustrates a sad but comedic truth. If awkward situations were an Olympic sport, I would be up on the medal stand mouthing the Star Spangled Banner more often than Micheal Phelps.