Several years ago while delivering Christmas presents I learned a hard lesson in what I like to call “the economics of interaction.” The lesson learned was that it is possible to give to others even with the best of intentions and yet in the process end up taking more than you give.
We were delivering presents on behalf of a prison inmate to his children through Chuck Colson’s Angel Tree program. My wife and I along with several teenagers in our youth group pulled up to a rundown house in a shady section of KC with an armload of presents for three children who lived with their grandmother. Their mother was in jail and the father, who knows…
I have never quite learned how to exist comfortably as a rich guy, (relatively speaking, both globally and historically I am filthy rich regardless of how high up the American ladder I am) on the one hand I can’t get Jesus words out of my head and on the other hand I am too distracted by the pleasures of wealth to give a hoot. So I sit in this uncomfortably passive state satiated for the moment by cake and American Idol. So on this night I was very excited to be finally doing something. I was going to make a difference! Perhaps in doing good I could somehow assuage the guilt I felt for my wealth.
We met the kids and delivered their presents to the grandmother, a saintly woman who had lost most of her foot to diabetes and if I remember right, whose vision wasn’t far behind. We chit chatted for a few minutes and then I asked if we could pray for her, she agreed, I prayed a blessing over her and the kids and we left. As we drove home I kept replaying the night in my head, something was bothering me but I couldn’t put my finger on it, and then it hit me – the wrong person prayed. Rather than praying for her, I should have fallen on my knees and begged her to pray for me. Here was a woman missing half a foot, in ill health, raising three children – this woman knew more about love and life than what I didn’t know about life and love. I realized then and there that by coming in to this woman’s house as someone with something “to give” that I had actually exalted myself over her and that by “giving” without recognizing that she was actually the one with something to give, that I had actually “taken” some small part of her dignity. Now then whether or not she actually felt I had taken her dignity, I'll never know, but I certainly felt as though I had, and resolved to never to let it happen again. Actually, in an effort to ensure that it doesn't, I have just sworn off helping anyone, ever.
Well not really, but the realization that night has heavily influenced my thinking since, I have never forgotten that lady. I don’t want that night to prevent me from reaching out, but when I do reach out; I want to do it with humility. I want to receive and in the process give dignity. I have come in part to the following conclusions. Conclusions that become more and more relevant every day:
a)Results matter more than intentions
b)The ends do not justify the means
c)It is possible to give and yet take in the process
d)Jesus’ instructions to us regarding those in need are as much for our benefit as they are for the benefit of those in need. Recognizing this is crucial to understand as we go into giving situations. When we give we should also receive in a way that gives dignity to the recipient by acknowledging that they too as a child of God have something to give us.
e)Doing the right thing sometimes makes you feel terrible and so I’ve got to ask myself, “am I doing this because it is the right thing to do or because it makes me feel good about myself?”
For example, consider the following verse from the New Testament “if a man will not work, he shall not eat.” This rule if followed absolutely serves to protect society from leeches but it wasn’t until recently that I realized that this rule is just as much about the protection of the man who does not work as it is for the society in which he lives. It is a brilliant recognition of human nature. Everybody has some area in their life in which they will repeatedly slack if not challenged. For some people this area happens to be work. Without loving people to challenge us (spouse, parent, friend) in these areas we will slide into our personal lowest common denominator and live in perpetual underachievement. So when presented with an underachieving loved one or a lazy man the choice becomes, do I do what makes me feel good or do I do what in the short term will make us both feel miserable but in the long run create a great good?
f)Just as there are things that look good that actually produce negative results, there are things that appear harsh that actually produce good results.
Althought they sound alike, this is more of a political revelation while the previous point was more of a personal one. The hard way is the right way. I think about this nearly daily as I watch those who would be king do their best to make us forget it.
These are not groundbreaking revelations I know, but bear with me, I am a slow learner, and their freshness to me means they are still exciting. I am still trying to figure it all out, and would appreciate your thoughts on the topic.
“When social service is performed out of a sense of guilt, the inevitable result is chaos.”
- The Reverend Jimmy Carter
8 comments:
"the hard way is the right way."
you hit the nail on the head with that one. jesus said the way to him is narrow and wide is the path to destruction.
i think we quickly forget what the word sacrifice means. we are giving up something of ourselves for the sake of others. in humility, we consider others better than ourselves. (philippians 2)
it's not about what we do or who we do it for. it's that we do it knowing it is christ in us who is truly doing the giving. and he gives back to our hearts more of his heart in return. that's the beauty of it. that's why giving is so much better than receiving. we see and know and experience the true love of christ.
"and he gives back to our hearts more of his heart in return."
That is it, that is it!
Shortly after writing this post I popped over to your blog and read your Glazed Over post. Great stuff along the same lines. It feels like God is stirring up something in our group.
i think god is stirring up a lot of hearts at our church. that excites me because i know he is doing something, and we just need to find it. and take the leap of faith.
Jeremy, Fantastic post. I think that, for too long, I have over estimated what I have to offer, and have given enough time to really receive from the people that I am "helping". I am really blessed by your heart, and find great inspiration from the deep waters of your mind.
I think it was right that you prayed for that woman. Had you asked her to pray, you might have embarrassed her by putting her on the spot or made things uncomfortable if she refused. I think your "guilt" over the whole incident was good and your conclusions sound, but I think in "our" thinking sometimes we are still too egocentric. Your quote at the end is good (I hope that is not a joke and really from former president Jimmy Carter). I think there is a sense where our emotions (or emotional responses) can damage the actual event of hospitality or benevolence. Your guilt may have been more from an inner attitude of superiority (especially since you felt so exemplary now that you were really doing something), than anything that the lady or anyone else even sensed. I wouldn't translate it into more than that, unless there was more that you left out. So that's why I said it was good you felt guilty (we should always be sensitive to this and let God show us what is wrong), and that your conclusions sound (with your final points for future actions).
You went to give. To give prayer is just as kind as giving presents to children at Christmas. To show up and ask would not necessarily have been appropriate unless she offered. If she offered and you rejected, then you were rude and stole her dignity. You cannot steal it by giving, necessarily. If you analyzed the scenario from that woman's perspective (which would then not be egocentric), she was probably very grateful and humbled that someone came to help an old lady with diabetes and 3 grandchildren.
I think it is critical when helping others, whether the downtrodden, or your neighbor clean out his gutters, to never presume on their sense of self. If they want to offer a prayer, initiate a longer conversation, write a thank-you card, offer you a drink or a chair to sit down, etc, that is up to them. You don't have the power to give them their dignity. They already have it. You can only take their dignity away by refusing to let them be what they are - a fellow human being. You can shame them and humiliate them by pointing out their dirty condition (i.e. refusing to sit in a chair they offer), giving pity by trying to change who they are or being offended at their lack of manners to your cultural expectations (she just shouted for you to come in instead of greeting you at the door), etc.
I think there is always a sense of getting more when we give than vice versa. But that does not negate how much the recipient feels they have received. I think both can be true at the same time. That's the exponential nature of sacrificial giving. Embrace the tension. Sorry to ramble so much.
And I echo what jer.harder says!
Good words John, thank you.
I was thinking about this all day yesterday, trying to sort out the whole guilt over being well off thing. I'll probably right a bit more on it.
Nothing for me to add here, other than to express my gratitude to Jeremy and everyone else for sharing such experiences and thoughts here.
You've gotta listen to this:
http://www.waltervalkema.com/site/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=130&Itemid=95
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